sweet surrender

Im sure you’re asking yourselves “Sweet Surrender?” but honestly I picked to talk about a very delicate subject in this chapter. Watching Jessica Simpson swear on her lip gloss collection that her gas passing smells like roses “well ya’ll gosh it does smell like a bunch a roses now!” Now, re-read that sentence with a Matthew Mcconaughey  accent.

Anyway my situation is a little more realistic. Actually, too realistic. Im going to describe the real, intense, mortifying feeling we get when we try to avoid things in bed. Im probably the type that farts occasionally. You have 3 types: Too much bad food thus bad odor releasing fart, you have occasional farters and you have the deniers! The first two are understandable; the last is the description of all the girls you’ve met in the past that deny the fact that they pass gas. It is biologically impossible not to fart. I dare any woman who reads this and categorizes herself as a “Denier” to step up and prove that she has never farted!

So things you avoid during intercourse that make you wish you were having sex with yourself; holding your farts is the worst feeling. Everytime I hold one of mine, I end up looking like a retarded monkey in bed. It ends up by leaving you in more agonizing pain than you’ve ever had in your lower stomach. Sometimes you end up shitting, small quantities but still its shit.

Other things which fall into that category are diarrhea, urine, burping and throwing up. As much as we hate to admit it, we do do all of those things. The worst thing is when you fall asleep with a guy in your bed. For this situation, there are many things to consider; were you drunk or not? Is it a one night stand? Will you be seeing this person again? The reasons why I ask these questions are due to the fact that they really matter. If you are drunk and you fall asleep, there are more chances that you will let out a fart, and by fart I mean a relaxed one. If you’re not going to see this man again, then fuck it, leave him a nice smell to remember you by, but if you’re seeing him in the near future you’re really screwed!

I’ve been in situations where the guy was drunk and fell asleep before me and let one out. It didn’t really freak me out cos I expect men to do these beastly things always. The best thing is for him to fall asleep before you do. There are many substitutes that you can have in order to avoid any of the above. You can actually create scenarios where his memory of you farting will completely be erased. You can act as the bad little school girl and let him spank you, or you can actually let him have a go from behind. As degrading as that sounds, the man has to have it. The way I get out of having to perform anal is a really let him feel he is hurting me. One “Owwwww” will make him pull out faster than speedy Gonzales or the road runner! I don’t mean to upset all the females out there that actually enjoy anal sex, but im sure most of you agree when I say “ban the anal”!

Most of the Arabs I know only do anal actually; it’s their way of staying virgins. Well, how about we call them “two-faced”! They do it all; anal, foreplay, even penetration, but not to the full. How absurd is that? I mean this chapter is dedicated to all the “Jessica Simpson smells” out there but man im thinking sweet surrender is more to do with not so sweet virgin!