Does size matter?

I have a dream, that one day I will walk into a store and the lady’s answer will be:” sorry m’am, your size is so small that we don’t make size 0!”

Imagine that!

One of the most influential scenes in the history of cinema dedicated to women was from Pretty Woman. Julia Roberts, looking gorgeous, gets rejected in one of the most exquisite boutiques on Rodeo Drive! Thing is, who the hell are the saleswoman to judge. So what if I wanna try on a size 0? What if I like humiliating myself in front of the mirror? It’s my business and not some idiotic saleswoman folding cloths for a fucking living! Sometimes it’s annoying, only you know the dimensions of your body and no one else. Even the men who have penetrated you wouldn’t remember the shape of your nipples if their lives counted on it. So I say no more saleswomen! Seriously shopping has become a one-woman job and no one else required. I rather go into their stock room instead of hearing them lie to me and say it’s the last piece on display! Yeah right, she’s probably saving it for someone else. Someone slimmer or richer, perhaps. I honestly am not very shy about my weight; luckily ive had some great feedback from the men leaving my bed at night, or morning! Do men fake it as much as we do? I wonder how many times ive given a fake orgasm? Would I be that dumb to not feel him come inside me? Sometimes you really don’t feel much will all the intense heat and rubbing. It’s not my fault I don’t have fifty eyeballs. I ask the question often during sex “did you come?” and in return I get this look as of im home-schooled child from the 50’s. It’s not like I was able to discuss sex with my friends. They all had sex but lied to each other about having it. You later discover that talking about it becomes easier. Coming from Beirut, Lebanon I never thought of sex before marriage. I had met so many guys that made it clear to me that they would never marry a woman who has kissed someone other than her mother’s lips! Imagine, I fell in love with this Syrian guy for six years of my life. I was eager to have him intimately. We did everything together but not that. Even when I assured him that I was ready and really loved him he still resisted, fearing the fact that he would have to take responsibility for being my first. Can someone please explain! In the states, men would be honored, in Lebanon men totally turn gay. I wasted six years of my life thinking I could spend the rest of my life with this guy, that we genuinely loved each other. All my actions depended on his, I would pick the color of underwear because he might get a glimpse of it while I bended to pick something up or painted my nails in that bright red because it made him feel sexy. I did all sorts of things and he couldn’t even do the one thing that would satisfy both of us. Were in Saudi Arabia or other Gulf countries for him to discover his morals all of a sudden, were branded as the Paris of the Middle East! We are opened minded, we do go clubbing and do drugs and we do do Anal!

sweet surrender

Im sure you’re asking yourselves “Sweet Surrender?” but honestly I picked to talk about a very delicate subject in this chapter. Watching Jessica Simpson swear on her lip gloss collection that her gas passing smells like roses “well ya’ll gosh it does smell like a bunch a roses now!” Now, re-read that sentence with a Matthew Mcconaughey  accent.

Anyway my situation is a little more realistic. Actually, too realistic. Im going to describe the real, intense, mortifying feeling we get when we try to avoid things in bed. Im probably the type that farts occasionally. You have 3 types: Too much bad food thus bad odor releasing fart, you have occasional farters and you have the deniers! The first two are understandable; the last is the description of all the girls you’ve met in the past that deny the fact that they pass gas. It is biologically impossible not to fart. I dare any woman who reads this and categorizes herself as a “Denier” to step up and prove that she has never farted!

So things you avoid during intercourse that make you wish you were having sex with yourself; holding your farts is the worst feeling. Everytime I hold one of mine, I end up looking like a retarded monkey in bed. It ends up by leaving you in more agonizing pain than you’ve ever had in your lower stomach. Sometimes you end up shitting, small quantities but still its shit.

Other things which fall into that category are diarrhea, urine, burping and throwing up. As much as we hate to admit it, we do do all of those things. The worst thing is when you fall asleep with a guy in your bed. For this situation, there are many things to consider; were you drunk or not? Is it a one night stand? Will you be seeing this person again? The reasons why I ask these questions are due to the fact that they really matter. If you are drunk and you fall asleep, there are more chances that you will let out a fart, and by fart I mean a relaxed one. If you’re not going to see this man again, then fuck it, leave him a nice smell to remember you by, but if you’re seeing him in the near future you’re really screwed!

I’ve been in situations where the guy was drunk and fell asleep before me and let one out. It didn’t really freak me out cos I expect men to do these beastly things always. The best thing is for him to fall asleep before you do. There are many substitutes that you can have in order to avoid any of the above. You can actually create scenarios where his memory of you farting will completely be erased. You can act as the bad little school girl and let him spank you, or you can actually let him have a go from behind. As degrading as that sounds, the man has to have it. The way I get out of having to perform anal is a really let him feel he is hurting me. One “Owwwww” will make him pull out faster than speedy Gonzales or the road runner! I don’t mean to upset all the females out there that actually enjoy anal sex, but im sure most of you agree when I say “ban the anal”!

Most of the Arabs I know only do anal actually; it’s their way of staying virgins. Well, how about we call them “two-faced”! They do it all; anal, foreplay, even penetration, but not to the full. How absurd is that? I mean this chapter is dedicated to all the “Jessica Simpson smells” out there but man im thinking sweet surrender is more to do with not so sweet virgin!